Q: After years of feeling a bit funky with a good friend of mine and doing some online research, I’ve come to the conclusion that she is a Borderline/Narcissist. Now what? Anytime that I’ve tried to pull away in the past, she got very nasty, and I’m afraid. How do I get out safely from this relationship and make a clean break?
A: Well, to be honest, you can’t really make a safe exit from a narcissist/borderline. That’s the bad news—it won’t feel safe. The good news is that it’s an exit. And that’s what counts. You’re free, and then you’ll be safe.
Free from their manipulations, free from their charm, free from their incongruity. Free to be aligned with your soul, your spirit instead of their twisted one.
So how do you do this when it doesn’t feel safe? You get your brave on and know deeply that you are saving yourself and your soul. You are choosing to no longer live in confusion between the narcissist/borderline’s charm and their need for you to love them more than you love yourself.
Here are the three ways:
1) Line up support in the way of friends, therapists, coaches and somatic healers. You’ll need a village behind you on this one.
Narcissists/borderlines are amazing liars and manipulators. You’ll need sane, kind people to keep telling you the deep truth about you—that you are a caring, kind individual who is leaving a toxic relationship. The narcissist/borderline will call you selfish, uncaring, and all other kind of labels that they can pull out of their hats.
The sanity of others will be your saving grace and lifeline so you don’t get stuck back in the narcissist/borderline’s web.
The work of somatic healers will help cleanse your being of the toxicity of the narcissist/borderlines’ poison. You’ve been like a frozen rabbit, unable to access your body’s natural fight or flight response. Your body registered the lies, the manipulations, the incongruity of outwardly nice, inwardly crooked. Your body wanted to run. But your thoughts, confusion and fear held you in place.
When you choose to leave, your body can do its thing—it can use the adrenaline of your fight or flight response. All that energy can flow, and you’ll want to process the anger and true fear that you were never able to express by running from the narcissist/borderline or fighting for your soul.
2) Just leave. Exit. No explanations, no rationalizations and no excuses.
They will have a fit. No. Matter. What.
The narcissist/borderline will be as angry as a hive of hornets. She/He will sting like mad and slug all kinds of cruel, spiteful and toxic language at you. And that is why you are leaving.
Because deep in your heart and spirit, you knew that this person was capable of being this mean to you, and who wants to be friends with someone who can harm you like this?
Most likely, you’ve seen this side of them before. And it can throw you out of alignment.
You might not know what to make of it. Isn’t this person your friend? Aren’t they generous and charming? Don’t they truly care about you? At least they’ve expressed all these beautiful, warm and fuzzy traits. With charm. And that’s why you entered the relationship in the first place.
They were just soooo nice. And everybody said how nice they are.
And you believed everybody. But little did everybody know that this charming, warm and fuzzy individual was a narcissist/borderline. You’ve got to be somewhat deep in the relationship to get this point about them. And then it’s too late. Then you are already in over your head, and exiting will not be easy. They will attack, and you will get bruised. And that’s why you arm yourself with safe, truly kind and loving individuals and professionals.
Because a hornet attack is dangerous. Dangerous to your mental, physical and spiritual health. You’ll have no clarity on your own.
That is the way with a narcissist. They are brutally confusing.
So, you must leave. Eventually, you will get clear. Your alignment will be strengthened, and you’ll stop questioning yourself.
And know that you will be grateful everyday that you took that very brave step to exit.
3) Remain completely disengaged. No conversations. Receive no calls or emails or texts from the narcissist/borderline.
Block them from your cell phone and block them from your email. Receive nothing of their attempts to lure you back with their twisted lies and deceptions. Their cover-ups.
The name of the game they were playing, unbeknownst to you, was the power game. And each engagement with them—a phone call, a text, a talk or an email—will suck you right back in the game. But it is not a game that you can win. They won’t let you. Hence the lies, deceptions and twisted arguments. Confusing for your mind, body and soul.
So line up your support, exit and remain completely disengaged.
You can do this.