What role does a happy, peaceful, loving marriage play in bringing our Geula?
It is central.
Can you think straight, grow, or focus on anything outside of your pain when your marriage is really struggling? I sure can’t.
Our most important relationship (other than with Hashem and ourselves) is with our spouse, and when it’s hurting, we aren’t in an emotional space to be our true best selves, nor can we serve Hashem with full joy.
I know that when my marriage was at a low point, our Shabbos was full of fighting.
I couldn’t find it within myself to daven with an open and connected heart.
I couldn’t find it within myself to be extra loving to others.
I was in too much pain.
It was the same few fights over and over—money, jobs, emotional connection.
No matter what therapy we did, or what books we tried to follow, our pain was so intense that we couldn’t think of much else.
Can you relate? Do you feel stuck in the same fight over and over? Do you feel unable to bring Hashem wholeheartedly into the picture, because you are suffering in this important relationship? Do you feel hopeless after putting in way too much effort to fix things, only to find you are more disconnected and mad?
How do you turn it around, and how does this connect to our Ultimate Redemption?
For me, it was finding Laura Doyle’s intimacy skills and receiving coaching that transformed our marriage hurts to peace and connection.
One key thing I have learned is that the more I let go of thinking I know how my husband should live his life, and I focus instead on my own happiness, the more peace, connection, and joy we have.
I had to let go of monitoring his job choices, what he says, how he parents, etc., and shift my judgmental, arrogant views to that of gratitude for the amazing guy he is. I had to seek within myself to discover what my soul really yearned for and how I could create my own happiness every day, instead of angrily waiting on someone else to make me happy.
I started seeing that the more I let go and trusted my husband, the happier he was too; the more free he felt, and the more confidence he had to live his best life.
At the same time, I’ve been given this newfound freedom to rediscover my love of friendship, my passion for dance, and my big dreams to transform people’s lives.
We are showing up to our marriage as two whole people, living connected and in love. We are a work-in-progress, of course, and so much growth is still needed, but our marriage is now a place where Hashem’s presence can rest.
Hashem can only be found where there is peace.
Through the peace in our marriage, we are building our block of the Beis Hamikdash.
We are bursting open Hashem’s light in yet another Jewish home.
Geula is the full and complete and lasting revelation of Hashem.
With this peace, and Hashem’s presence, we can continue exploring and living our unique missions, adding another huge piece toward bringing Geula.
We can pray, give, and do mitzvos with hearts that are calm and clear, and full of ease and love for Hashem.
Of course, challenges and pains come in all areas of life, but I’ve found that when a person’s key relationships are peaceful and good, there is so much more emotional and mental—and soulful—space to shine our G-dly light in the world.
How can you create your piece of redemption, starting today?
How can you exchange your judgment for gratitude? What can you apologize for to heal the bond? What grudge can you let go of? What can you take responsibility for? How can you create your own happiness?
We can only change ourselves. We have tremendous power to focus on what we are grateful for, and to become accepting, give the benefit of the doubt, recognize the other’s good intention, see goodness in general, and make ourselves happy.
What’s the alternative? More suffering? Divorce?
What if everything could be absolutely changed by letting go of the need to control or help our husbands, and by living in gratitude and finding our own happiness?
May you all be blessed with lifelong marriages of shalom bayis, the deepest experienced and expressed love, true joy, and alignment with Hashem’s will. For those who are single, may you be blessed with your bashert, and when you meet him, the above blessing, and joy and love always!